"The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid." — Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs (Glory St. Clair, Book 5) by Gerry Bartlett

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Summary: Vampire Glory St. Clair, in her never-ending quest for beauty, secretly meets with her lover's arch-enemy in order to lose 20 pounds. 

Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs  - funny title, right? Stupid book. 

Glory St. Clair is over 400 years old. She's got a moderately successful vintage clothing business, a gorgeous fake-fiance, a gorgeous authentic and rich vampire lover, and she's still obsessed about losing 20 pounds. Seriously? 

She's planning clandestine meetings with her lover's arch-enemy in order to lose 20 pounds that nobody else minds except for her? I couldn't believe it - and I read plenty of unbelievable books (werewolves, vampires, witches, dystopian fiction with monsters and killer animals). 

A 400-year-old vampire would have been alive in the 1960s. Ever heard of Twiggy? I have. Skinny and famous. Glory would also have been alive in the 1920s, where women bound their breasts to look as flat as possible.  So today's standards of beauty don't seem any more onerous that in previous eras. But suddenly living in LA requires that Glory lose 20 pounds. The vampire weight loss expert also promises that Glory can target her weight loss to focus only on the areas she wants to lose - and Glory believes it. How could a vampire this stupid live for 400 years without being staked by now?

And the writing was just weak. 
"I was sure my blonde hair had been blown into a fright wig by the change for my bat flight. Then he checked out my snug jeans in a size twelve (oh, how I wished for a six!). Hmm. Back up north again, he lingered on my double Ds which I'd love to slip into a C cup. I could only imagine the joys of having to shop for new bras and to actually buy colorful pretty ones."
And Jerry, also known as Angus Jeremiah Campbell III, thinks Glory is perfect. In fact, he'd willingly marry Glory and support her. He could even use his millions to buy Glory sexy, colorful bras to hold those double Ds. 

I couldn't finish this book. There are so many good funny chick-lit vampire books out there, you don't need to waste your time with Glory St Clair. Try Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs (Jane Jameson, Book 1) by Molly Harper.

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